Matilda doesn’t remember the last time I took a flight since it was nearly a year ago before she turned 2 and before we moved in with Heather’s parents for 6 months while our house was being rebuilt. I was dada back then. I’m now daddy and she loves flying so of course, she doesn’t understand why she can’t go with me or why I’m not putting her to bed or there when she wakes up.
People have said that these are some of the best times for parents. That 2-5 year old time is one you can never get back, it moves fast and you’ll long for returning there someday. I’m trying to balance a lot and I am in control of myself and my decisions. It’s all very intentional how much time I’ve squandered not being there for my daughter. I don’t feel guilty right now but that could change.
I chose in December of 2024 when Matilda was just 1 year old to move us back to New Hampshire into our 700 square foot home that we were hoping could get rebuilt before she remembered sleeping in our closet.
I chose to take another side-gig of teaching project management on nights and weekends where at least 8 evenings and 4 weekend days were occupied every month in addition to other after hours work like creating content and developing lesson plans. Luckily, most of that work is virtual and I can see her from 6AM to 9AM then 4-6PM before I go into my office to teach.
I chose to continue my hobbies, at least the ones I could reasonably do but every single month, I have to choose between a hobby item or baby time and I’m choosing Matilda more so things like videos, podcasting, photos, writing, home lab projects, car projects, motorcycle projects, collecting beer and rating it, hiking, bicycling and recreational travel have all taken a back seat to her.
I also chose to inform the BMW club for which I’m on the board that I could not make a few board meetings. They haven’t kicked me out yet but they should. I’m on a flight now to our spring in-person strategic planning session and I haven’t been able to attend a board meeting since December since every meeting has been on a night that I’ve taught classes. I was offered these classes and accepted them and have to face the fact that I’m not performing my duties as a board member. It’s not what I envisioned 6 years ago when I ran for the board.
None of the non-daddy commitments really matter. They do in an indirect way because I have financial goals. I want to retire some day, I want to rebuild our house without taking on any additional debts other than a mortgage so I’m spending my valuable time and converting that to cash so I can fund college for Matilda, retirement for Heather and I, paying down debts and buying household items with cash (furnishings, our shed, the garage, networking equipment, appliances, fixtures, etc).
I just keep thinking about my kid who this October will be 3 years old. She’s 7 months short of 3 and just 3 months short of transitioning into a pre-K / Montessori school and she’s sharp as a tack. There are a lot of subjectively dumb children running around that can’t hold a conversation with you and accept cause & effect, reasoning or tell you a story. Matilda is not one of those children. It reminds me of ME as a kid accept she has cooler hair. I love everything my parents did for me. In lieu of resources and activities, they gave me their time. I’m trying to manage both for her…a childhood full of tutoring, school, activities, summer camp, girl scouts, swimming lessons, hiking, camping, weekends away in Montreal, Boston or New York and an annual trip to Europe or California while also maximizing my high earning years.
It’s really difficult. Thankfully, I have a choice. I could pull back and we’d still have a roof over our head and Matilda would still have her own bedroom but everything else wouldn’t be possible. We’d be house-poor and have to occasionally float debts to save for our future and hers. I grew up poor and ended up okay. Matilda would also be okay. She’s very resilient and accepts when we can’t get her candy or ice cream or a toy. She says “okay, I understand” when we say no and alternatively, “thank you, I love you. thank you thank you” when we gift her something unexpectedly and sometimes coming back hours later to thank us for a new shirt or toy she’s been admiring.
The biggest thing isn’t just the cash-in-hand from all of this work, it’s the pervasive fear of being poor again and I’m not saying middle class, I’m saying poor with a capital P. Single-wide trailer, sitting in the back of a 2-seater jeep on a hot metal floor pan buying food when we could afford it and not having lunch money some days.
Childhood was challenging. I want her to know that it’s okay to be told no while also not growing up with a fear of being poor and knowing what that feels like for a child when children have things that you can’t have. Saying no to a child because they can’t have something is different than no because we can’t afford it. My childhood was Wal*Mart Layaway so I selfishly don’t want her to experience that and it’s a tough balance.
Dad is away on a trip, dad’s in his office, dad’s out for a motorcycle ride or in the garage and I’m struggling with how to separate being present, providing and retaining my identity and interests. It’s something I’ll have to figure out and hope the approach I take is something she can appreciate and value while recognizing I can’t always be there.
It is hard to hear and respond to “Daddy, are you going to be home later for bed time?”