The following is an excerpt from a little side project I’m calling “L” for love. It’s a never-ending, constantly-evolving book of loves. Music is one of these and, I’m feeling inspired to share this with you all but know that it will probably change. Will L be something I publish? Doubtful. It’s something that I will share with friends once I feel it’s complete enough to share.
Some songs are like reading an old diary or seeing an old photo. The feeling is gone when the song ends. – Me via Twitter
I am exceptionally happy to have music in my life but I don’t think anyone would disagree with that statement. I selfishly horde music on my computer and spend more time cataloging the music than listening to it. I’m not big on live music but that’s because I feel this disconnect when listening live. I memorize songs easily and can sing along at every concert I attend but, I don’t belong at concerts. I play the music from an artist when I need it. There’s a song for how I feel right now and I don’t want to be bombarded with your other music and 2 hours of that other music that I don’t need right now. That other music doesn’t satisfy me. Electronic music is different and it’s why I go to festivals. I can hop around depending on my mood. Festivals are very much like the original iPod. 5,000 songs within walking distance. Live music also forces me to stand beside other fans and this just isn’t for me. The issue with music and something that I have never done is cater music to my style or the other way around. I don’t listen to Bright Eyes because I dress in black and / or am a hipster. I just like the music. I don’t listen to dance music because i do drugs. I just like dance music. The issues I have with going to shows is that I’m the only guy at the show that’s overweight and wearing a bright blue, pink or red polo shirt and brightly covered sneakers. At electronic shows, I wear shorts, not spandex or skinny jeans. I don’t fit in with the other fans. They look at me like, “who invited that guy?!?!” and it doesn’t help that I like going to concerts alone. Oh well. I don’t fit in anywhere and accept that fact. I don’t choose to not fit in, I just don’t fit in and my reason for being here is to enjoy the music that I like and not be seen by people like me or to identify with a crowd as “just like everyone lese”. Huge difference.
Enough of that rubbish.
Last night, I attended a Bright Eyes concert here in New Hampshire. It was the first time he has performed in this state. I’ve never seen Conor live before so it was a show I couldn’t miss. I bought his first CD when I was 13 years old. I wasn’t having sex yet, I wasn’t dating yet and I wasn’t dealing with “problems” but I loved his story-telling ability. Lyrically, he’s a true poet and it’s amazing to read his thoughts in the dark times and the good times. I’d like to share a few Bright Eyes Lyrics with you. Not entire songs, just some excerpts. The reason is that I want to show he’s all over the place but also t what these songs mean to me. I have 250 songs from Conor that he has written. It’s a lot of content. Let’s get started:
Don’t forget what you’ve learned All you give is returned And if life seems absurd What you need is some laughter And a season to sleep And a place to get clean Maybe Los Angeles Somewhere no one’s expecting
On a detox walk through a Glendale Park over sidewalk chalk Someone wrote in red, “Start over”
So I muffle my scream on an Oxnard beach Full of fever dreams that scare you sober Into saltless dinners
I first heard that song in the same time as I debated leaving San Francisco and moving to New Hampshire. It is a song that inspired me to “cleanse”
Well the animals laugh from the dark of the wilderness A baby cries hard in an apartment complex As I pass in a car buried under the influence The city’s driving me out of my mind I’ve seen a child, he’s caught in the sad trap of gravity He falls from the lowest branch of the apple tree And lands in the grass, and weeps for his dignity Next time he will not aim so high Yeah, next time, neither will I
Well I awoke in relief, my sheets and tubes were all tangled Weak from whiskey and pills in a Chicago hospital And my father was there, in a chair by the window Staring so far away I tried talking, just whispered, “So sorry, so selfish” He stopped me and said, “Child, I love you regardless There’s nothing you could do that would ever change this I’m not angry, it happens But you just can’t do it again”
During my time in the city I let myself go while reaching so high for perfection. I perfected my mind, my skills and my approach to climbing the ladder. I climbed too fast and fell. I fell into a saddened state that would never leave my body. I was sad for months.My dad never knew about this but, well he knew something. He never intervened but he did say some things that helped. I was so selfish for leaving him for California and I failed in the process. No matter what, he still loved me.
I keep drinking the ink from my pen And I’m balancing history books up on my head But it all boils down to one quotable phrase “If you love something, give it away”
A good woman will pick you apart A box full of suggestions for your possible heart But you may be offended, and you may be afraid But don’t walk away, don’t walk away
When I was in love, I wrote a lot of things that were never published. I wanted to write a book on my life and the adventures of the past 5 years. It was never finished. I’m too embarrassed. If I hate what I wrote here in 5 years, I just delete the entry but you can’t unpublish a book. That’s forever. In short, I did walk away. I was picked apart and I walked away. It’s been 2 years and I still regret that choice. If I think about it long enough, I will most certainly shed a tear. Don’t walk away from love if you’re absolutely sure that’s what it is.
I had a girl I knew She grew, became a woman now I think that she teaches At one of the schools downtown We used to roll the windows down And play the music loud Smoking out in her car Lost in west Omaha And we’d get drunk and kiss Our bodies twist like shoelaces And we never came untied I guess you were just my type You know that summer never stopped I still pretend I’m there
Your first girlfriend is always this. You think of her sometimes. She’s out there, doing something interesting. You don’t really love her anymore but you owe her something. You owe her that respect. She gave you something, love, lust, growth. She taught you things and you’ll never forget her. Whoever she is now, she’ll always be your first.
Besides, we all are making money And we are all fucking alone And we don’t know what we are doing Maybe just buying us some hope Because we know that we are lonely Yeah, lonely, that’s for sure And the older ones are coughing And the older ones are dying Maybe we are all dying
I first heard this song for its true meaning when I was on the train to work. I was surrounded by hundreds of other workers inside of their headphones. I felt alone. I felt this disconnect from everyone else. I wanted to escape and be touched by someone that really cared about me. The city gave me so much but I also felt that it took so much away. What a bizarre relationship I had with that city.
You said, “I’m done feeling like a skeleton No more sleepwalking dead” You’re going to wake from this coma You’re going to crawl from this bed you have made And stop counting on that camera That hangs round your neck Because it won’t ever remember What you choose to forget As you try to find some source of light Try to name one thing you like You used to have such a longer list And light, you never had to look for it But now it’s so easy to second guess everything you do Until all you want is to finish this half empty glass Before the ice melts away This feeling always used to pass But seems like it’s every day Seems like it’s every night now
There were days in my life where I could listen to this song on repeat. It was a phase that I went beyond. I wasn’t here forever.
The kitchen is cold
But the coffee is warm
The sun is coming up
The day has just begun
And you are already bored
You’re bored of cheering me up
Bored of calming me down
Bored of drying my eyes
But there was once a time when you were the one
You were the blue of the sky
You came after the storm
You were the switch on the wall
In the dark of the hall
That I’m still fumbling for
Because I’m lost in the black
I don’t know where I am
I have my arms stretched out in front
And I’m calling your name just as loud as I canand
So you made me come
Then you sent me away
Like a messenger bird
So I circled the earth
Blown away in the wind
But I always returned
With some new little song
Some sad story to tell
Of a brief love affair
With a girl I compared to you
And she failed
I don’t think I have to say much on this one. It just is.
……….
I kind of forgot what I was writing with this one. That happens sometimes. when I’m writing. This isn’t my fruitless attempt to persuade you to purchase a Bright Eyes album. The point here is that every song tells such a vivid story of life. Each of the songs Conor writes can apply to a moment of my life from the ups to the very low downs. Not everything he writes was sad. There is a large number of very uplifting songs. However, when you’re out of place and when you aren’t where you should be, it’s difficult to write an uplifting song even if you’re not really that sad. Inspiration comes from within and, at times in my life, Conor’s music made me feel that I wasn’t alone. He, a small town boy, living in New York City getting caught up in all kinds of things chronicled the time through song and did it so prolifically that he wrote and recorded 300 songs and many more that are just heard in live shows and he did all of this in 10 years. It’s rather remarkable. Then again, I could fill many books with what I’ve written across a few different blogs. I have a few journals that aren’t published. Those writings will probably die with me.
I’m not alone in the emotions that music gives me. From the excitement that makes me dance and sing at my desk, my living room and in my car to the lows that truly remind me of a moment in time. We all have this emotion toward music but not many people talk about it. I wish more of us catalogued what songs inspire and depress us and the memories they call upon. Marketers will tell you music is social but I think music is also a selfish thing. Sometimes, you just want to put on a pair of headphones and fall into a song.
Last night, when Conor arrived on stage, I was awkwardly sitting between two groups of teenage girls each accompanied with their fathers. It was odd when the seating assistant took me to this individual seat that was exactly ftont & center of the stage. I looked left and right and the gazes of 6 people staring at me with this perplexed look of, “will he be sitting here? Just him?” Ha. I took my seat, didn’t even bring my camera and opened my water jug and waited for the show to start. I think their confusion was side-tracked when they realized that every one of the 20 songs played that night I knew by heart. I had been waiting for this show for a very long time.
Every song was “my song” and I enjoyed each minute of it. It was a wonderful feeling to experience a 7 song encore and, I got up during the spoken word finish of “The People’s Key” and headed to my car. However, I heard the entire thing all of the way to the parking lot. I was beating the traffic, but this vocal finish to the album is perfect:
“Well the transit is of love, it goes back to love again. You understand when somebody’s having a problem with your issues, but whatever trip they’re having a problem with, you try to bring it together; you try not to cause division; you try to make it as a cosmos. It’s a cosmos, then it unfolds like a flower, it just keeps unfolding, time keeps moving on. Instead of someone saying, “Naw man, we’re gonna do it like, we’re gonna be come Fascists, we’re gonna do it this way.” And you say, “No, we’re moving on and I hope I see you later where everybody’s okay.” And that’s the human race. When there’s total enlightenment, there will be peace, the world will be in bliss when there’s total enlightenment; so enlightenment is knowledge. As much knowledge as you can get people to seek and understand, ya know, and it’s mankind; it’s me, it’s you, it’s us that do it. But we have to call it to align. We say, “look I’m not gonna kick that guy’s ass, that happened ten years ago, I wish him well,” that’s love, ya know, and compassion. Mercy.”
The last time I went to a live concert which was Dashboard Confessional in December of 2009, the same thing happened. I was excited for days and then saw them perform, knew every song and felt a bit cheated. I don’t want to hear THAT song. That’s the song I sang my heart out to after being stood up for a date in high school. This is a song I listened to right before I graduated and this is a song that was playing when I got my first kiss NO! Maybe that works for some people but it doesn’t for me.
I certainly won’t like the same music when I’m older. I can appreciate songs that were on my iPod at age 9 but I hope that all of us can get passed that music. Remember, Justin Bieber isn’t shit when you’re 11 years old. It’s actually pretty great but, to a 9 year old, The Cure is absolute shit. That’s just how this works. I do appreciate though when an artist like Conor Oberst or Ben Gibbard actually evolve their writing. It is actually more common for an artist to remain in the same style of songwriting because that’s what the people want. The best artists suffer a bit of outrage from a large group of fans when they themselves evolve as a person and their writing changes. For every fan they lose, another one is gained. This has been my issue as well in my writing. I lose readers every day. I get messages, “why don’t you write about tech?” “since you left SF, you seem out of touch on the bay area”. I am out of touch but in touch with something else.
It’s important that we all move forward and, just like a musician, we should evolve and change and grow each day. Music is also about growth for the artist and for the listener. Just like a relationship, you have to identify when you’ve “grown apart” and it’s time to move on. Owning every CD doesn’t mean you’re married to the person. You can move on. It’s okay.
It’s time to close out this chapter for now. Next time, we’ll fall in love with films. It’ll be a fun ride.