She messaged me in October of 2009 on a dating website. My profile was just updated after the breakup with Laura and her message to me was broken or rushed. It said:
“Do you like cinema? I’d like to go see a film. Tonight?
I was working that day from a café and cautiously made plans with her. I wasn’t ready to start dating again so I stressed that we could see a film but I didn’t want to make it a date. She didn’t agree or disagree, just insisted that we meet. Her profile was bare but her photo was intriguing. Wearing a winter coat and standing with friends in the snow.
I asked my friend Justin to tag along just in case she didn’t show up or was legitimately insane. I honestly thought it was a joke played on me by the Internet. Justin and I grabbed dinner and went to the theatre. There she was, tall, beautiful, blond.
She was Russian and attending University in San Francisco with a major in retail & marketing. We went to the film and made plans to have dinner the following week. Her English wasn’t very good but she had traits that really set her apart from other women.
She wouldn’t laugh unless something was truly funny to the point of hysterical laughter. She smiled genuinely. Her questions were simple and straight forward like, “would you like to kiss me?” That time, I responded, “um….” And changed the subject. She was fashionable but didn’t care what others thought and always wanted to keep things simple. Dinner, a movie, drinks, home.
After our 5th date, I told her she was a great friend and she agreed. The only thing that may have made us more than friends was a time when we both had too much to drink at my apartment and ended up falling asleep. When I woke up, she was walking around my house in the nude but not in a sexual way. To her, in Russia, the body was nothing to be ashamed of. She made me eggs for me and went to school.
I saw her every few days and we’d have coffee mid-day or grab drinks and just talk about life, love and relationships. She was techie but not a geek and we really became great friends. We may have kissed twice as a good bye but it was friendly and very European.
In May of this year, she went home to Russia to spend time with family before coming back to SF for graduation. The road home was treacherous. A flight into Moscow and then an 8-16 hour drive to her home (depending on how much snow was falling). To get home, it was nearly a full day of travel from 6AM to the following morning without even counting the time zone changes.
She had been married once to a man who she did not love but it that didn’t matter. That’s how things were done. After 2 years, at the age of 21 she was divorced from him which was rare for that culture. Rarely do arranged marriages end after 2 years but his abuse was criminal and was her way out.
It was July and I told her of my interview in Boston while we were having drinks. She had just returned from Russia and graduated. She seemed down and, like usual, insisted that I tell her stories of what I’ve been up to, my job, my cooking and travels. We ended our date early that night and, I flew to Boston to interview at the job I have now.
After accepting the position, we had dinner at a Mexican place on Van Ness in San Francisco. She was still down. I pushed and insisted that she share with me what was going on. Why she was so sad?
She started to cry.
She asked, “can I go with you?” I didn’t have an answer. Not sure what to say, “why would you want to do that?”
“It’ll be an adventure. I’m tired of San Francisco. I want to go somewhere new.”
Without thinking this out too much, I said, “well, you can but it’ll be out in the country. Very quiet and cold. I guess it will be like Russia but I don’t know why you’d want to go.”
After this back and forth she told me this story.
“My brother was sent to LA a few years ago. He went to University like me. Dad told him, ‘never come back home until you’ve been married and have citizenship in America.’ That was 4 years ago and he’s still in LA. When I went home, Dad told me the same thing. I must marry and then I can go home. I’ve been trying to find a husband. Going to clubs, sports, bars. All of the men, they want sex and no marriage. I don’t know what to do. I can’t work in the US legally because my student Visa expired. I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid and very lonely.”
This was heartbreaking.
My friend who I’d known for 10 months, the talented and beautiful girl who was so unique and real was stuck. She was asking me to marry her but just for a few years. She pleaded that she could cook & clean and work. We could sleep separately and it would be a favor to her. She needed a friend to marry her and I was her closest friend. I remained speechless.
After a few minutes of silence, I said no. It was cold and cruel to do that to a friend. To break the heart of someone who, at this rate, will end up marrying a man who doesn’t care for her, will abuse her and disrespect her. She may be put in harms way and her family may never speak to her again until she is married. A 22 year old Russian Bride stranded in America, not until she meets the one but marries someone, anyone.
We still talk. She remains in America and is still single.
We all have choices but some are already made for us. Until you meet someone with a life of far less choice than yourself are you able to fully appreciate the blessings you have. Imagine yourself in her situation. Imagine not having a choice.
Perspective.