Blogging comes naturally for me. Anyone that’s just getting started may stare out above the top of their laptop monitor at the wall before writing that first line. Some people will start and delete a few posts before getting it right. Me, I just start pouring like a flash thunderstorm.
Tonight was different.
I kept starting this post and restarting. The fact that this kept happening was more scary than the subject matter. I just want to be honest with myself in a way that people won’t read as
- Adam is delusional
- Adam is an asshole
- Adam needs professional help
- Adam is on the wrong path
From the outside, these are things people observe when they look at an entrepreneur, an inventor or anyone that doesn’t fit the mold. I gave up trying to explain what I was trying to do in San Francisco to my parents a long time ago. I stopped trying to classify myself. I stopped trying to title it. I just did it.
“You’re an entrepreneur? So, you’re unemployed?” – Stanford undergrad to Sean Parker (in The Social Network)
Anytime Laura and I had a heated debate, the topic was usually the same. We never had an argument but we did discuss things pretty passionately. Most of the time, it ended with her saying, “Adam, you set the bar too high. You try so hard and set these insane goals and then beat yourself up when they don’t work out. You have to stop being so hard on yourself and realize what YOU’VE ACCOMPLISHED!” I wouldn’t do that. I’d usually just end up hopping on my bike and going to the office to pull another all nighter.
I know.
It only takes a second to realize exactly what I’ve done and I’m just barely 24. I’m grateful and happy and thankful. I have the best parents in the world and the most wonderful sisters. I’ve met more celebrities than most people could dream of, I planned and almost co-wrote a book (so close!) I started 2 companies and one was / is successful. I’ve moved across country twice. I’ve made money and lost it and I’ve had more adventures than most people I went to school with. I’m lucky and happy and I feel rewarded for the hard work and dedication I’ve put into this trade. Heck, I work at one of the coolest companies on Earth (TomTom) doing what is basically my dream job. Everything I did up until now prepared me for this. I have absolutely no reason to complain.
So, I’m not complaining.
Mark Zuckerberg works among his peers, no office, no closed doors. Just a desk in a huge room with low ceilings and exposed air ducts. He works with one thousand other engineers on the facebook code each day as one of them, I still get excited about that mode and regret that I never lived out my dreams.
While watching The Social Network, I was absolutely torn right down the middle and this is exactly why I never went all in on AdamsBlock. I was afraid to go all in because I didn’t know what the world would think but that’s not why I didn’t do it. I know now why I didn’t and I think that it’ll one day happen once I’m done doing the “grass is greener thing”
See, while watching the film (which I admit was a mistake and I kind of told myself not to watch it), I actually envied the guys at Harvard in clubs, the guys drinking and partying and the guys on the row team. The guys who were cool and had their futures laid out for them made me jealous. I still, to this day, wish I had gone to college and experienced the classes, the study halls and the parties. I wanted to wear my school colors and attend a rugby tournament with a few thousand peers and flirt with a girl in the library who I was lucky enough to be paired up with in Chemistry class.
On the other hand, the quirkiness of Zuckerberg truly resonated with me. I’ve been there. Each and every moment of Zuck has been me on so many occasions. I used to spend hours and days and weeks and basically my entire time in high school spitting out 2-20 line blog posts on Livejournal about people that I didn’t like. I’d talk about classes and ideas and technology. I brought down my entire school district’s Internet connection and was almost expelled for it. I’ve been issued C&Ds and pissed people off. I’ve worn headphones during fire drills and showed up at school during teacher work days just to work on my projects in the library. I’ve skipped parties and pulled all-nighters and I’ve moved to California because that’s the center of everything. I’ve had people tell me, “you’re a nice guy. why are you pretending to be so cool and insensitive to people’s privacy?” (adamsblock). I’ve had fans and enemies but very little friends. I’ve been loved and hated and I was my biggest critic and cheerleader and yes, I’ve blown off most of my childhood (beginning at age 12 – now) to blog and work on business plans.
Every moment of Zuck’s existence depicted in the movie I felt; even when he felt jealousy for not being invited to the cool clubs.
So, what side am I on? Am I okay with spending my early 20s partying and my late 20s building up a career and having kids in my 30s, buying a home shortly thereafter and retiring at 65? Or, do I want to risk it all and piss people off to follow through with my dreams and change the world? Which is it going to be?
Honestly, I don’t know and that’s why I have arrived here. If I was so sure of myself, this post wouldn’t even exist. Tonight, I would have watched The Social Network and said, “hell yeah! let’s go back to changing the world!” or “hell yeah! let’s go back to partying and living like there’s no tomorrow”
You can’t have both.
You can’t party and change the world so I’ve chosen the middle path. I’ve chosen a career where I get to enjoy the quiet time of a cabin in the woods and a job where I can have a huge impact. I’ve also chosen a job that enables travel, both personal and business and I’ve chosen to leave San Francisco because it was killing me to change the world. I was pouring my soul in and the wheels weren’t turning fast enough. I didn’t choose to go to college instead and party like there was no tomorrow. I know my decision to join this company was the best and tomorrow i’ll wake up and do this job like I’m the only person that can and that I will be present. I promise.
I vow to never watch The Social Network again.
Because, as much as I see myself in Mark Zuckerberg and as much as I’m jealous of the guys at Harvard having wild parties, I’m Adam Jackson and neither of those are truly me. The point is, if I were either one of those people, I’d be those people, not because it was easy but because that was me.
It doesn’t mean that I can’t dream. It doesn’t mean that I don’t have regrets. I have to be okay with who I am and who I’ve become. I have to be completely okay with not changing the world and not partying the hardest at some Harvard club. What I am good at is changing my world and partying my ass off from the cabin in the woods. My mind just has to catch up with my soul.
Thank you for reading. This one was mostly for me. I still don’t believe in everything I wrote above but tomorrow is a new day.
Tomorrow is a new day.