I plan to exhaustively cover the experience and whirlwind that was Blogworld beyond the sessions and the spectacular progress I made in professional development but I plan to expand on what it’s like in Vegas for 5 days and seeing friends from SF nearly a month after moving and what it’s like knowing I won’t be flying back to SF once the party in Vegas ends. I plan to write this….eventually.
I wrote this entire blog post in my head on the way home from yet another Blogworld networking event. I rarely let myself slip outside of consciousness and away from the now to drift away but I did. By the time my laptop booted up, each aspect of the article was gone from my head…so I’m starting over. That’s what I get for not taking notes in the cab.
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Winning & Losing don’t exist. The hand that’s dealt to you (Vegas Pun) has been decided by no one. Remember that each time you perceive a “win” in life, someone else is losing. Nature, the universe, our life force and the power that binds us all is constantly achieving balance. Your win is another’s loss. Your loss of a wallet or an ice cream cone falling to the ground is a family gaining the right to eat a meal that evening. It’s balance. The circle doesn’t judge. It is. It flows. It is constant.
After 4 days of Vegas with some of my closest friends and best and most wonderful people that I feel very close to (outside of family), I’ve realized a few things but, as usual, it took a moment of silence to realize this.
I have to say that if you don’t take a moment of silence each day, nothing will sink in. The only signs of what you did that day will be a growing belly, wrinkles on your face and a back ache that flares up from time to time or, if you’re healthy, a shrinking stomach and a healthy back. Either way, physical attributes are shaped by our day to day decisions. The growth of one’s soul is impossible without silence.
So many of us buy larger homes to fill things with.
The potential of a room is its emptiness.
Silence enables trimming of the fat and bullshit that you absorbed that day. It enables the true absorption of what really matters. The fact that my waiter’s name was Dwayne at Club Haze is important for a brief moment but the moment my soul was lifted when a song came on is a memory I’d love to hold on to forever.
That’s a funny thing. Holding on. If you’re busy holding on to things, what if someone is holding on to you? If someone is holding on to you for emotional or spiritual reasons as both a memory and as a friend, are they enabling growth? Are they allowing your soul to grow as theirs did?
Let go.
I spent the past 2 days with a close friend, Nikki. She’s a friend who I had in SF. She’s a friend who I love. A friend who I’d do anything for. I will say the same for so many other people in my life. The love for my parents and beautiful little sisters is stronger than any other relationship but I have some very remarkable friends who I’d do anything for.
For some reason, they doubt this?
I don’t know if it’s self-confidence on their part that’s lacking or the fact that they’ve never felt true, unconditional love from someone who was a stranger only months ago, but so many of my friends act surprised at my actions and my support and my follow through when it comes to favors and advice I give. A friend asks me to hold their drink. One hour later, I still have it. It surprises the hell out of people. It shouldn’t. We all need a support system. We all need to feel love.
Tonight, after catching up for the past 2 days, Nikki met some friends who she went to college with. We went a club to meet these guys, paid the cover, bought some drinks and $50 later, I sat alone at a table full of bottles of liquor and I was alone. For the first time since arriving in Vegas, Nikki was talking to an old friend catching up and I was dis-engaged and it felt amazing. I unpluged and watched the lights of the club shining. Occasionally, a light would shine directly into my eye and I’d feel the sharp pain of being stared at by a brighter force than myself and it hurt. Pain can be the one thing that proves that you’re alive. You feel something. GOOD! Now go out and live.
I muscled on through the pain. I reflected.
After half an hour, I left. I left with a smile on my face. I left because I was tired and fulfilled and happy. I left because Nikki was catching up with an old friend and I have had to spend way too much money on $20 vodka cranberry beverages. I sat in the taxi and said to the driver, “It’s a great night. It’s beautiful. Are you having a good night?” He answered, “ya know…I’m doing great. How are you?” I answered, “I feel like the luckiest guy in the world. I have nothing to feel bad about.”
Psychology students will call this denial. They’ll say, “but adam, you were abandoned by your friend. You were left on your own in Vegas to go home alone and now, at 2AM you’re recklessly typing away on a laptop listening to Bright Eyes. This is not healthy. Don’t repress your feelings.”
My feelings aren’t repressed. They’re on the surface and on my keyboard and into this post. I’m staring out on to the strip from my 18th story hotel room and feeling like the luckiest guy in the world. The universe could not take anything away or give anything to me that would alter my mood for better or worse. I’m alive and healthy and thankful.
Holding on is a failure. Don’t hold on. Don’t expect anything in your life to exist each moment to the next. I may arrive home on Sunday and realize my cabin has burned down. my iPhone may be lost and my hair might fall out. I guess an old part of me would be bothered by tonight but I’m here to exclaim that I WASN’T! I was thankful because, after hyper-networking for the past few days, I sobered up and reflected. It was powerful and enabled my sponge to be cleansed.
I leave Vegas tomorrow night after day 3 of Blogworld. I arrive back in New Hampshire at 7AM on Sunday morning and leave again on Monday for Boston. I get home Wednesday and I leave on Saturday for Amsterdam. My journey of life could end at any time but if you asked me at this moment if I would be okay with that. I would answer, “sure. it’s been a great day. I’m pretty damn happy.”
Goodnight. Thank you for reading and I promise to write more about Blogworld in the coming days.