★ One Year Older [Personal Reflection]

Before reading this post. Read this first.

On August 26th, 2009, I will turn 23 years old. This is when things really start to set in. For the first 22 years of my life I was just screwing around but now it’s time to think big and focus on something awesome. What’s amazing about this game of life is that I’ve been rolling the dice since I was young. I started blogging 9.5 years ago when I was only 12 years old and no one gave a crap what I had to say but I was out there and loving it. At the age of 16, after blogging for 4 years and making money on advertising sales, I saved enough money to fly to New York for Macworld Expo. In the same year I flew to Boston for Macworld Expo and 6 months later I made it to San Francisco for Macworld Expo. That was the beginning of my career in technology and it wasn’t long before I was being asked to speak and lend expert insight into emerging trends and new products. I went to Macworld 9 times, CES twice and spoke at many Florida based tech conferences and began making real money from it.

Today I posted to Twitter that I was turning 23 and 25% of the responses were inquisitive, “you’re only 23!?!?” That made me laugh a bit but it’s true and I have a little secret to share. When I was 17, I threw my first party at Macworld San Francisco. It was a nightclub called Liquid and I put down 2 grand to secure the spot, got sponsors and had over 150 people show up. In 2007, I hosted 3 parties that week and I was still only 20 years old that year. My Macworld parties weren’t the largest or coolest but they were the most fun and my inspiration was that I simply wanted to be able to drink an was tired of being carded at places. The beauty of it was that I could throw a party and make the bar well over $15K and they never asked to see an ID because, “who the hell throws a party at 17 years old where they rent out an entire club?” It also helped that I have always looked older than I really am.

Despite going to school 7 hours a day and then coming home to work an additional 8 hours a night on the computer, I still wasn’t making the headway I wanted. The reason was that no one gave a crap what a 16-19 year old kid has to say. I was a little kid that had passion, commitment and insight but the age thing really put a stop to just how far I could go. I didn’t come from a rich family. My mom worked for the post office and my dad at a health club and they did all that they could to support my very expensive technology habit and trips but it was up to me to make something of it.

When I turned 21, it was off to San Francisco to rent a house and live. That was a scary journey but a successful one. When you’re 22, it’s a great thing because you’re now one year in to drinking age. At 21, you’re still a baby but at 22, you’ve been drinking a year and you’re usually out of college so people look at you differently and I enjoyed the benefits. 23 isn’t “old” but it’s a normal thing. Every birthday is a big deal until your 23rd when you’re just turning 23 and that’s it. Having never lived to 23 before, I may be in for a treat but my bet is that it will come and go and soon I’ll be 24 which will roll into 25 which will roll into 30. I have low expectations for the next few years as far as fanfare goes but what is guaranteed is that I will succeed at something because I have what it takes and amazing friends & family who back me up on everything. I love you guys and owe you everything!

My blog entry honestly has no focus or point but it’s just a few random thoughts attached in a single post to inform and confuse. it’s a sign that I’m getting older that I canceled my first vacation in a very long time. I’ve never traveled anywhere for vacation. It’s always been a business expense to a conference or meeting. I planned on going to Burning Man this year and even got a ticket and booked a van but the event is 4 days after my birthday and I’m not going to go. Why? Because my new project has a deadline and taking a vacation would ultimately ruin it and delay it and thus criple a project that I’ve been working on for over a year. This is what some people call sacrifice but I call it progress. My constant fear is that I’ll be 40 and still continue cancelling vacations, trips and joy-rides. Life should be a joy-ride but I don’t know what I would do if I took one. If I took a joy ride, what would I be doing? Responding to emails, making calls and making sure my projects are going smoothly but I only have myself to blame.

One thing that I haven’t mastered yet is delegation. It’s the reason why I didn’t enjoy my time while working at Apple computer and something I had to quickly evolve into when working as a dispatcher / lead administrator for an IT company. Delegate is a big issue for me and on every single one of my projects, there’s not a single person I can trust to take care of things for one day. This leads to me exhausting myself and sometimes even dropping projects. I have high expectations for people and they always end up disappointing me and maybe I suck at hiring or maybe I just can’t find someone that truly fits my high standards.

Another sign that I’m getting older would be my complete focus and sometimes distracting mindset of missing my family. My entire family lived within a one hour radius of my home in Florida. My great great grandmother was alive until just a few months ago when she died at the age of 104. I have over 30 1st & 2nd cousins and over 100 family members that I know closely. They’re all in Florida and I’m here. It’s hard to hear that my sister is going into high school and the other is starting middle school. It’s difficult to hear my Mom may be remarrying and my Dad is embarking on a new business and I’m not there to help him. My cousins are getting married, having children and I haven’t seen half of my family in over 2 years. Family has become so important to me but I’m thousands of miles away and make no effort to call them or visit them. Well I make an effort to visit my immediately family but money and deadlines are always getting in the way. I let them get in the way and it’s my fault but at 23, I should be more responsible to my family and I want to be but I have this need to accomplish more and more and eats me away.

Dad, I know you don’t read this blog but I love you and I miss my sister and I miss helping you teach and take out the garbage. I miss my room and talking about philosophy until 2AM and our midnight weapons training sessions in the back yard and rolling out of bed at 7AM to see you’ve made green tea and eggs for us to share before I go to work. I miss our workouts, surfing sessions and training. It’s hard as hell to not have you nearby and there are some days where I want to come home, give up this dream of changing the world and just give you and the girls a hug. It’s hard but I press on because I dream of one day buying you and mom a home, paying for my sisters to go to college and buying you a dojo that is deserving of your martial art and your commitment to training everyone you can, even if they can’t pay for lessons. I love you that much that I will spend a life time in San Francisco in my 150 square foot apartment sacrificing everything so I can make that million dollars to take care of you. This has and will be my goal for a long time and that’s what I want for you guys.

I dream of one day changing the world but age is always holding me back so luckily, I get older and people respect me more and I make more money and am given more responsibility. This is a good thing and I’m happy that age is helping me achieve my goals. Without growing older, I would have never broken out of that teen blogger label and some kid who goes to tech conferences instead of spring break like he should.

Then again, age is also the enemy. I would never pause time and disobey nature so I could be 22 forever but I’m constantly reminding that the only constant is change and everything is a circle. One day my mom and dad will pass away and it will just be me. At that time, I’ll have about 20 years left on my life and I too will die and that’s life. I was taught as a young kid to never have regrets or be unhappy with your situation. You are in control of your own destiny and suffering is self-inflicted. A life of suffering can be changed and I should always be happy and thankful for what I have.

I am truly happy with my location, mindset, age and progress in life. I have accomplished so much as a 22 year old guy from farm country and I have so much more to contribute. it’s crazy because I’ve actually had dreams of doing something big and I’ve been doing big things for the past 10 years (since I was 12) so now I feel like I’m 10 years into this game but honestly, people think I’m just getting started. I have people either think I’m 27 years old and have accomplished so much or that I’m 22 and I just got out of college and am just a big dreamer. Actually, I started at the age of 12 and have been working my ass off since then to do something amazing and I’m finally achieving success and I’m completely happy.

One thing that has bothered me lately that I’m trying to ignore is my current personal life. Business is always going to be successful for me. I will always succeed at something if there’s a dollar sign attached to it. That’s how I function and how I live. What is bothering me is Laura. Before I begin, Laura is the most amazing thing that has happened to me right behind my Father who is responsible for every bit of success in my life. His teachings and drive made me who I am today but Laura has been my co-pilot. Dad has been my drill sergeant but Laura was riding shotgun during my entire professional life. I met her shortly after turning 19 and now I’m about to turn 23 and she’s still with me. She doesn’t wait on me like a maid and nor do I cater to her every need. We never argue, we always see eye to eye and every night we go to sleep with a kiss and a simple “I love you”. Her love for me and who I am is beyond anything I could ever ask for. I am the happiest when I’m with her and she makes up for every ounce of my shortcomings.

I have never known another person that was so supportive of everything. I asked her to give up a great job in Florida and move to San Francisco where I put her in a 150 square foot studio apartment in the worst part of the city and every day she wakes up with a smile and offers to make breakfast. I ask her to do anything for me and she never says “no” but our relationship is equal. I acknowledge that she has sacrificed more for me than anyone in my adult life and I know for sure that I will spend the rest of my life with her. I can wake up to her every morning and never be sad and I know she and I will make a beautiful child one day and she’s going to be the most loving mother ever. My Mom was never a winner when it came to raising kids. I’m happy to report that Laura is going to have the best relationship with her child and I’ll be there to teach him or her everything I know and show my child just how beautiful our world is and how you have to appreciate and love all things because they’re all a part of you. I trust Laura with everything and would sacrifice myself to save her life because she has so much to offer this world and she’s still so young.

On the other hand, it’s important to address my inner feelings and i address these best in a public forum.

I recommend you read this blog post from me. You won’t appreciate the rest of this post without reading it.

I have regrets that I’m settling down too soon. What’s interesting is that I don’t care if I settle down and even if I was freed from the grips of a life partner, nothing would change. I’ve only dated two women in my life. I’ve only had sex with 3 women and yeah I’m a 22 year old male who, in my opinion, has a chance of having sex with more than 3 women in his lifetime. The thing is, I physically don’t care. I don’t want to have sex with everyone. I don’t even like sex! The point is, I want to make sure I didn’t miss out on anything. I want to make sure that when I’m 40 I have stories to tell. War stories of crazy girls, wild parties, trips around the world and nights where I woke up not knowing where I was. I want to be free to have a one night stand because I’ve never had one before and hopefully life to tell the tale of how awesome it was or maybe how not awesome it was. I want to try different cocktails, meet people from all around the world and not have a woman at home waiting up for me. The thing is, I love having that comfort.

Is this what all men at 22-23 years old go through? Nearly every guy I went to school with has just spent their last 4 years in college partying and living it up and many more will party for another 2-3 years before settling down. Nearly every person I know in tech / San Francisco is still single in their 30s and they appear to be loving life. I meet guys who have started and sold companies and now at 35 they’re ready to find someone to settle down with. Am I making a mistake? I don’t honestly want to date girls and force myself to have sex with them nor do I want to wake up with a hangover or having made mistakes that I’ll regret for life but there aren’t any romantic comedies that involve a 23 year old guy and his love for a woman. That stuff is reserved for late 20s and the 23 year old guys are always in movies set in vegas or some wild night like “dude where’s my car”

Hell I haven’t even done drugs before or traveled just for the hell of it or talked to a girl at random and got her number or gone out and tried to pick up girls. I never have but I also don’t really have an intention to. I love having Laura and focusing on these projects but I honestly feel empty because I haven’t lived. My Dad might read this and say that I’m happy so why should I try to be someone I’m not but then again, hey may say that I am too young and I haven’t actually lived out my life yet so I need to explore and enjoy before settling down.

What’s so amazing about Laura is she would look at me with tears in her eyes and say, “let’s split up so you can be young. I’ll wait for you and when you’ve explored, traveled and had your fun, we can get back together and have a child.” She’ll be 27 in April and I’ll still be 23 so her words would be honest, truthful and full of love but I can’t do that. I can’t throw away the most trust worthy and committed person in my life just so I can find out what it’s like to be 22 and actually enjoy my 20s like a normal 20 year old. But then again, I can’t force myself to be a 30 year old and ready to have a kid. I wanted to get married when I was 30 and have a kid when I was 35. Laura will be 34 by then and 39 when I am ready to have kids. I can’t do that to her.

I’m one year older and age can’t come soon enough from a professional standpoint but not a day goes by where I don’t wish I was enjoying life instead of working all of the god damn time. I end this blog entry with a question….

If you had the most amazing woman in the world and the most amazing career but feel that you matured before your time, would you throw it all away to live life to the fullest or stay the course with a chance of regretting your path later in life?

I’m 23. I feel like I’m 30 and I wish I was still 21. Looks like I’m falling into the typical middle class profile and I need to buck up and enjoy life because it’ll be over before I know it and stop being such a whiny bitch. It’s confusing and this blog entry was a waste of time.